"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 

"But what ... is it good for?"
- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the   microchip. 

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." 
- Ken Olson, president, chairman & founder of Digital Equipment Co, 1977 

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
- Western Union internal memo, 1876. 

"The telephone will be used to inform people that a telegram has been sent." 
- Alexander Graham Bell. 

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" 
- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the   1920s. 

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing   reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp. 

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. 

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." 

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. 

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. 

"Can't dance. Can't act. Can sing a little."
- Notes from Fred Astaire's screen test. 

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. 

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3M "Post-It" Pads 

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come to work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer. 

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
- 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work. 

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus. 

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."
- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. 

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
- Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project. 

"This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed."
- Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast. 

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. 

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."
- Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. 

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen   Victoria 1873. 

"If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer, it seems to be a minor one."
- Dr. W.C. Heuper of the National Cancer Institute, as quoted in the New York Times on   April 14, 1954. 

"For the majority of People, smoking has a beneficial effect." 
- Dr. Ian G. Macdonald, Los Angeles surgeon, quoted in "Newsweek", Nov. 8th 1963.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
- Bill Gates, 1981.

"The Transistor is a passing fad." 
- Dr. William J. Barclay, EE Department NCSU, 1969.

"Apple... What a Dumb Name for a computer company."
- Glen A. Williamson, deciding between a Sol-20 computer kit & an Apple II, 1979.

"The SBIR respondent's [Williamson] proposal is rejected because of his lack of prior experience dealing with automotive lane trackers." 
- USDOT/SBIR evaluator's rejection of SBIR submission: of the only two published papers on the subject, at the time, both had the respondent's name on them. 

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Is Atheism really a non-prophet organization?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing bed sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

 If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?

Where do forest rangers go "to get away from it all?"

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

If a man shouts in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
 

• There are only two ways to handle a Woman, and nobody knows what they are.
• Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film.
• Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
• A day without sunshine is like, night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.
• When the chips are down, the buffalos are empty.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, and used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Pardon my driving; I'm reloading.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
• Nothing is fool-proof, to a sufficiently talented fool.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• My mind is Like A Steel Trap - Rusty, and Illegal In 37 States.
• Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
• Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
• Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
• A fool and his money are soon partying.
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
• Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
• Why are you only successful at doing something on your last attempt?
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Hard work pays off in the future.  Laziness pays off now.
• Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. 
Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
There has been only one Pope. 
They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
They have never feared a nuclear war.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them. 
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The expression you sound like a broken record means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track. 
The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
They have always had cable.
There has always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the beef?," "I'd walked a mile for a Camel, or "de plane! de plane!"
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

We polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

A farm can produce produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

The present is a good time to present the present.

At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance for the invalid was invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Does killing time damage eternity? 

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? 

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? 

Why is it that night falls but day breaks? 

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? 

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? 

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? 

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop? 

Daylight savings time -- why are they saving it and where do they keep it? 

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans? 

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? 

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? 

How can there be self-help "groups"? 

How do you get off a nonstop flight? 

How do you write zero in Roman numerals? 

How many weeks are there in a light year? 

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman? 

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe? 

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends? 

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? 

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them? 

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do? 

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? 

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? 

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot? 

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there? 

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 

In Bill Gates' new book (Business @ The Speed of  Thought), he lays out 11 rules that students do not learn in high school or college, but should. He argues that our feel-good, politically-correct teachings have created a generation of kids with no concept of reality who are set up for failure in the real world.
 

RULE  1  -  Life is not fair; get used to it.

RULE  2  - The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect
                 you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

RULE  3  - You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. 
                 You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.

RULE  4  - If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

RULE  5  - Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.  Your grandparents had a different 
                word for burger flipping, they called it opportunity.

RULE  6  - If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, So don't whine about your mistakes, 
                 learn from them.

RULE  7 - Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. 
               They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to 
                you talk about how cool you are.  So before you save the rain forest from the 
                parasites of your parents' generation, try "delousing" the clothes in your own room.

RULE  8 - Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. 
                In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they will ask as many times as 
                you want to get the right answer.  This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to 
                ANYTHING in real life.

RULE  9 - Life is not divided into semesters.  You don't get summers off and very few
                employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10 -Television is NOT real life!  In real life people actually have to leave the coffee 
                shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11 - Be nice to nerds.  Chances are you'll end up working for one.
 

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased

10. Computer security

  9. Political science

  8. Tight slacks

  7. Definite maybe

  6. Pretty ugly

  5. Twelve-ounce pound cake

  4. Diet ice cream

  3. Working vacation

  2. Exact estimate

  1. Microsoft Works

 1. (Around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

  2. My Wife Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

  3. I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

  4. (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah

  5. Senior Citizen: "Just Give Me My Discount."

  6. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog

  7. (on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off

  8. I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now

  9. (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor

10. I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

11. Liberal Arts Major... Will Think For Money

12. IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be

13. Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law

14. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

Lieberman's law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Denniston's law: Virtue is its own punishment.

Gold's law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.

Conway's law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.

Finster's law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Lynch's law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Muir's law: When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.

Glyme's formula for success: The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

Mason's first law of synergism: The one day you'd sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.

Hanlon's razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Handy guide to modern science: If it's green or wriggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Green's law of debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

Stewart's law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

First rule of history: History doesn't repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

Oliver's law of location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Harrison's postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.